Should I Wear Pants Today?

Turn the light off ma...

2009-03-13T23:05:00.003+11:00

Occasionally I wonder why child stars don't turn out to be normal everyday people operating satisfactorily in society, and then i realize that Michael Jackson still exists and that Harry Potter has a bad taste in naming his kids. Unaware that i was being followed I walked down the road to get some milk when I was attacked by a crazy talent scout looking for the next big thing in the "cute kids now but slutty whores in five years" range of tv stars. He grabbed me by the hair with a crazy look in his eyes screaming at me. "CRY....CRY YOU LITTLE BITCH..... CRY AS THOUGH YOUR BEST FRIEND IS AN ALIEN THAT CAN FINALLY GO HOME, MAKE ME RICH".
I cried. So did he. Then i lovingly stroked his hair. We started to kiss but then i realized I was heterosexual and this guy probably didn't have the appropriate pee pee that could satisfy me. Goodnight sweet John.

ENRAGED

2009-03-12T15:36:00.002+11:00

Nothing has enraged me. I have been Zen. The very essence of me has been peace and Utopia. Until today, and a couple of weeks ago but read this bit first because i have to warn each and everyone one of you before it's too late.
I was cleaning my friends list out of Facebook today, because I hate everyone, when I spotted someone I did not know. I looked and on the profile I saw a good looking girl who obviously has no qualms about showing boobage to everyone on facebook. I immediately called over my buddies. "Wow!" I cried, obviously punk, "Where did she buy those!". I then realised, this girl with no morals, trying to seduce every man and his dog (got a bone?), was my cousin.
People. CHECK THAT THE PEOPLE YOU ARE CHECKING OUT ON FACEBOOK ARE NOT RELATIONS YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SINCE THEY WERE FIVE.

Now, Harry Potter. What an idiot. "My parents were killed by the most fearsome and powerful wizard on earth... Please take me and mold so that i may become a wizard too..." DICKHEAD. Then, his name gets called out of the fire, why not say, "I don't want to" or "Can't you get Frodo to do it?"

Idiot

You idiot

2007-08-17T08:47:00.000+10:00

It occurred to me recently that every now and again my mind begins to wonder and I lose track of what I'm saying. It occurred to me recently that every now and again my mind begins to wonder and I lose track of what I'm saying. The other day someone came up to me and told me that every minute a pedestrian gets hit by traffic 3 times. You idiot I thought as I repeatedly tried to shove the turnip up my nose so that I could remain in my happy place. Why not just get off the road ya fool. If you get hit by a car on a busy street you don't do it twice more in the same minute. Then it dawned on me, There must be a way for the backstreet boys to reunite so that I can have my sandwich and Paddy's pecks.... hard.... johns... a little... squishy...

Wearing a sock and just a sock

2007-06-08T09:51:00.000+10:00

My laundry hates me. Every time I walk in there I start being harassed by annoying voices saying things like "Honey, while your in there can you take the washing out?" and "Honey, I think I left my nostril hair trimmer in the bathroom, you're closer than me can you get it?" or "Honey, next time we're out in public, you mind not trying to grab grandmas nipple just to see the true effects of wisdom?" People don't get the interest that I have for life. Worried that Life was beginning to take hold of my balls and trying to see how many time it can twist them 360 degrees before I say ow, a fun game that Life had watched me play several times with my girlfriend, she said ow after 4 times, weak, I sat thought then murdered my next door neighbor for playing tennis. Hell hath no fury then a man who suddenly realises the female body is supposed to be different from his own.

To da Beat yo

2007-06-03T21:29:00.000+10:00

I love rape. I mean Rap. It's great. It makes us intelligent. So much so, that every youth in the world, especially the ones who are not popular, can now have the access to drugs, sex and weapons to become the popular kid in Kindergarten. What a great way for the nerdy kid, who likes books, taking baths and repeat episodes of The Brady Bunch to walk into school and rhyme, "Yo yo yo, you skinny little ass, gonna tell yall a story bout a kid sitting in mass, he didn't like the priest, he didn't like his style, he didn't like the way that his poo fell in piles" Then belt his teacher over the head with a baseball bat that has nails sticking out of it. I mean, wow, not only has the kid learned what similar syllables sound like, A feat most grown up rappers still can't master (I'm looking in your direction Will Smith ans Shaquille O'Neal) but he has also managed to gain the respect and fear of his peers. Then that kid could wear bling. Huge razor blades from sharpeners, Lead from Pencils. The possibilities are endless, Let there be popularity for the nerdy kid called Paddy. Let him, have all yall bitches. Then, let him make songs that openly disagree with gays and beating up your mum then have people say, Oh it's ok that hes a dickhead who lets his broom handle molest him each night, he had a bad childhood. No he didn't. He was the greatest rapper that the idiots in Mrs Kruger's (A nickname given to her after an unfortunate baseball bat incident) class has ever seen. YALL.

Women Scare me

2007-06-01T08:17:00.000+10:00

Ever wondered why people go on rampages shooting it up. Killing the innocent. Yeah, you might think, "Oh, I know, they must have just watched one of Jerry Bruckhiemers films making them tip over the edge to insanity where, no, not even the devil could keep his emotional stability" Yesterday however, I found out why. Angry women. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yes I know, these are the people we should fear on a regular basis, not only on a regular basis, but on a monthly basis. Everyone should hide from people like this. Run. Run as though you are being chased by paparazzi through a tunnel in France. I used to wonder what made people gay. Now I know. They are not born that way. No. They are scared of angry women. So, I hereby make a vow. I will stand for them men in our community who are oppressed by women who are made angry through life. I will stand for justice in a world where the uterus reigns supreme. I will stand.... if the missus lets me.

Group Work? Works for Paris, so why not me?

2007-05-31T10:13:00.000+10:00

It may seem to you, reading this, that I am a non worker leeching off the masses so that I don't have to do work, simply sit around wating for sexually explicit situations to arise so that I can whip it out, get it over and done with then say something like "Rightio, now you better put yours away too if you know what I mean..." Then they look at me and "say", oh yes, and quickly put their wallet away as we pay for our subs. But I am a workaholic. I am a team player. I take risks. Last week, I told the boss they were awesome and that the boob job was really working for them. Dave seemed impressed and a little flattered. So therefore, it makes me angry when someone isn't pulling their weight. I tend to start to yell, scream and belch the alphabet. I want to take their arms rip them off, then use this jagged bits of bone to stir my tea. I hate these people and to be honest, the world would be a better place if they stayed in Tasmania. Last night, my cat ate it's own vomit.

The Hills are alive, with the sounds of suicide

2007-05-23T08:27:00.000+10:00

It occurred to me recently, as I stood atop the cliff face pondering my empty.fulfilled existence. If I was to force elmo into the Snuffleupagus, that you could possible make a muffleupagus that says cute things, but is ugly as all hell so would force people to run into walls with the sole purpose of smashing their brains all over the ground so that when five year olds would come along and say"yummy jelly"other people would stand around and laugh at the ignorance of the young. Obsessed with my own Ideas of sexuality I came down from that mountain with a new beginning that I knew would make me famous. I would become the new Doctor Phil. No, I don't have the accent. No, I'm not a doctor either, but hey if baldy jones over there can make a living of crap that nobody listens to really, then I can too. I can tell people what to wear, what to eat, what to do in case of fire, and yes afterwards, they will sleep with me as well. I will release books, which will make people want to come on my show and sleep with me. I will release tapes which will make people want to bonk my brains out and YES, if I have to be a parasitic celebrity, sucking the blood out of an already famous talk show host, then yes, I will do it. It's what makes me an individual.

Mother Dear, What is that Intoxicating Aroma?

2007-05-22T08:25:00.000+10:00

Have you ever wondered what this infatuation we have with meeting other people on the Internet is all about. The other day I was chatting up a bloke, pretending to be a model from a k-mart catalogue when all of a sudden I decided that at this moment in time, would be the best time, to sing the chicken dance song. In my house, a cheer arose, people began to dance, people began to sing. Buts were shaking, people were deciding that "Yes, Life is worth it and no matter what anybody says, I will live. I'm gonna pay back my loans, I'm gonna refuse to rob charities and shoplift from op-shops, I CAN DO IT!" Around the world, speeches were written, people began to dance in the street, "What is that enchanting noise?" And chickens? They began to lay eggs. Did they care that some pervert farmer was coming to look only where gynecologists fear to look, NO. They were quite unanimously sexing up Rooster boy in the back of the pen with their seductive moves. Ahh, I hear you say, but what of the schmuck that sits on the computer, wondering why all the ruckus outside. The man that will be bitterly disappointed when I turn on my web cam and show him my left nostril that has the finest of man hairs growing out of it. What of him. Despair. Nausea. Depression. All he See's is this:

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na

Da Da Da Da

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na

Da da da da

De de deeeeeeeeeeeee

de deeeeeeeeeeeeeee

de deeeeee deeeeeeeeeee

de de de deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

de deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

de deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

De de de deeeeeeeeeeeee

de deeeeeeeeeeeeeee

de deeeeee deeeeeeeeeee

de de de deeeeeeeee deeeeeeeeeeee

de de de de de

na na na na

(return to start)

My Heart Fills with Joy

2007-05-18T08:44:00.000+10:00

It's occured to me that some people are violently stupid. Thier IQ is so low that when you ask them a question like, Hi, wheres the station? Thier Heart fills with joy to the point where thier head explodes and you are covered with bits of brain and skull. If one of those bits of skull happens to land in your eye , well then, good luck. You are spending your day wandering araound with a dflated eyball, bashing your head against homeless people in the hope that that will take away the pain. But it Dosn't. Instead it makes it worse. Now you are wandering araound with a bad eye, an open skull, a dead bum and all you can think about is buying a big mac meal as, oh yes, this could only get worse. You decide to infatuate this by tring to deal with a Maccas chick who dosn't no how to count and out of pure frustration you break both your legs. Well. Isn't life a stinker. But hey, at least nt you are in the proper frame of mind to make proper fim productions like Miami Vice and Jurassic park 5 - Help I've got a Hangnail.

Creative minds think a lot, now spanks please

2007-03-28T10:19:00.000+10:00

I don't get why girls hate me. Is it my genuine sexuality? Is it the way I talk? Is it the fact that after I first meet them I go home and call them with Barry White playing in the background as I pretend to narrate a porn flick? Upset, I entered myself in a spelling bee where once again I was confronted by a bunch of whiny little bastards who insist on wanting to affiliate themselves with directors of movies that focus their story lines around kids in the ghetto who can't write poetry but that's OK, because their teacher is fresh out of uni and wants to help them to write poetry then call them with Barry White playing in the background as they pretend narrate a porno flick, that rhymes. Damn creative thinking. Creative thinking gave me the inspiration to buy a dog, now I only have one testicle. Creative thinking gave me a reason to take a a bus, then I got squirrel gripped by the decrepit ninety year old. Creative thinking gave me a reason to run for president, then I got raped by the artist formerly known as Lindsey Lohan (now known as Larry Bighelm). Got a dollar, I've got a date with a bus and the seat reserved for the elderly and the retarded.

From venerable master bog brown

2006-12-05T18:18:00.000+11:00

there was a poo in the bathtub when i went to have a bath,
and it stuck onto my leg when i sat near it,
so i scooped it up in my hand,
and flushed it down the loo,
now never ever again,
will i bathe with poo.

from the teachings of venerable master bog brown

You don't play strip poker at a nudist colony?

2006-11-16T18:30:00.000+11:00

Amalia should look out below for what she had mentioned because the show was about to start. Paddy had just finished his drink when he saw a super delux version of furby on its way to be passed out/kill at the maternity ward when all of a sudden horror struck him. He shouldn't set his mum up with the nice man down the street who wears a dress and says things like "hey, wanna date?". Confused, Paddy came over to my house where we discussed the meaning of what it is when someone says wat up. Paddy tried to cuddle me and milk my nipples. I let him. Paddy has great pecks.

Smokey The Smoking Clown Doctor

2006-11-15T17:59:00.000+11:00

I'm obsessed with changing my image everytime my sister says something "like, hey, give me a donut". This week, I'm smokey the clown trying to educate the masses that corperate greed is a good thing and smoking is healthy as long as you can enthuse six six year olds to smoke as well so that you don't look bad to the neighbors but hey, that crack addicted heroin junky of a mum who lives across the road just taught her six six year olds to smoke. Last week I went to the hospital and tried to get kids in the intensive care unit to take up smoking. I smoked through my nose and held a ciggerettes between each of my toes and said "hey it's just like putting a cheezel on each finger." All of a sudden all these alarms starting going off and doctors started rushing in and pounding on the chest of a four year old. As I offered them a smoke break, I suffered a lung collapse. Good thing I was in a hospital.

Bus Driver Rage

2006-10-11T10:32:00.000+10:00

There is something about bus drivers that make me want to scream and yell everytime I see them. No, this isn't one of those "I've seen speed and sandra bullock driving a bus makes me cringe because the smell would have been horrible." I shout at bus drivers because everytime i get on a bus I think I'm gonna have a Keanu Reaves moment where I will fall in love with the bus driver and try to grope man boobs whist delirious from the thrill that is, being on a bus. This thought scares me and it should scare you to. Whats worse is that someday they may make a quality movie about me groping a bus driver with man boobs that will make millions at the box office and then decide after all that success that the bus driver was way more charismatic than me, the star in the first movie. The Producers of the first movie will then make a sequal that I won't be in, but will inlude the bus driver in a wet shirt trying to stop a ship from running into the opera house. The movie will suck, but it won't star me. Are you a bus driver. "THEN GO TO HELL. i love you"

Intense Nasal Delivery System

2006-10-09T08:52:00.000+10:00

I've been having problems in the bedroom. Depressed and scared about what I should do in this situation, I wondered down to my local doctor who insisted I try a new therapy called the intense nasal delivery system. This new system is designed to help me from spilling my seed too early. I thought, wow. I finally might be on the road to success. Confident, I walked into the bedroom where I saw all 456 kilos of my girlfriend sitting on my bed waiting for me to fold back the creases, maybe do a little origami with them to make a swan then see how many times I can twist my ball sack around before it starts to hurt. After putting my ball sack away in my sports cupboard I invited my Intense nasal Delivery system into the room. It works. Actually it works too well. Who would have thought Fran Drescher screaming "Don't come yet" into my ear whilst I frolic with a bohemoth so large that in the missionary position I actually became scared of heights, could actually make you impotent.

But my mum says I have pretty hair.

2006-10-03T10:38:00.000+10:00

I like natural grease. I'm not one to brag, but I have a lot of it stored in my hair. It is useful for all kinds of odd jobs around the house. Fixing the porch, sealing the roof, separating the grandparents after they watched american pie 2 and decided that the whole superglue thing could work. The other day I decided that with all this wealth I had stashed in my hair, it was time to give something to the community and show the world that grease monkeys can do other things than think about sex with animals every seven seconds. I went out and began to spread the word. Telling people not to be hygenic, but to think of themselves as rotting toasted cheese sandwhiches, that whilst they look old and mouldy on the outside, grease, slime and other odd smells are often emitted from the inside. Spread the word. What's an uglier mental picture. Ugly old naked man, or ugly old naked woman? Leave a comment.

GUFG

2006-08-31T09:16:00.000+10:00

I've started to hate someone simply because the remind me of my girlfriend. Grumpy Ugly Fat Girl. Yes, I hate her with all my might and do plan to take her down with all my force. Just like last week when I took down this tool who was singing a country song about how he lost a bit of saliva and is now so depressed that he wants to write a country song about it. Damn GUFG. I gathered my thoughts and began to plan ways in which I could take down this girl before she found me out and like all other ugly girls, develop a crush on me. With my dog in tow, behind my car, yelping, I hit the road in search of mushrooms so that we could improve the smell. After this I plan to take some mouldy cheese and shove it down her throat until her breath smelt alright, then, I ripped off both her arms and replaced them with the remains of my dog so she could have some muscular tone then covered both her legs in my own dung to give her a tan. Damn me. Instead of destroying her I made her into someone worshiped by millions. Oprah.GUFG can also be found on the road between Lithgow and Bathurst between the hours of 7:50am and 8:10 am. Bark at her as you pass.

Farm animals, please don't ruin my wedding day

2006-08-24T09:22:00.000+10:00

It occured to me the other day my girlfriend has four legs and only ever says moo for a reason, shes a sheep. I fear this may ruin my expectations of her on the wedding day as she quite possibly won't be able to drive whilst i feel up her udder. Depressed I went to my phsycologist where I decided to share with him extracts from my diary.

24/9/06:
Daisy refused to cuddle me this morning. I fear this could be because the other night I paid to eat her sister at a fancy restarant. The voices came back.

25/9/06
Why do I always flop it out when ordering at mackas.

26/9/06
I fear for Daisy when paddy is around. Moo, moo, moo and bonk bonk bonk. Is there anything better than this life out there. Probobly but for now I'll continue to remind myself that as long as I'm suffering, my shrink is quite possibly gay.

Laughing Like a Man who Just got Asked out in a Lesbian Bar.

2006-08-21T12:18:00.000+10:00

Every man has wishes. One of mine is to go to china and ask people if they like noodles. Another is to get Cow Paddy bingo into the olympics. I've realized that I may be a little unfit and should probobly start to work out. So last weekend I joined a terorrist group where I am currently in training to smite a bunch of Infedels. It's not that I don't like country music, it's just the sooner we get rid of the dixie chicks the sooner eminem loses his inspiration and can go back to the trailor park.

Man boobs in a jar

2006-08-21T12:06:00.000+10:00

I am the proud owner of man boobs. No, I don't get as much joy out of them as real boobs but hey, it's worth a try every night. Last week I entered a local male stripper contest. Everything was going great until a guy in the front row announced that i wasn't a guy I was actually a hairy chick. Ellen Degenerous eat your heart out. Depressed I went home and decided that I needed to hang out with my girlfreind but she was back in one of those "I have tits hear me roar" moods. Damn Feminists. I they have so much to say they could at least say it a little more quietly whilst I decide what sandwhich to have.

I bark, Therefore I am

2006-08-21T08:40:00.000+10:00

If you've never barked out of a car window at people on bicycles then you are missing something extraordinary. Like last week when I barked out the window at an old man and he thought it was my sister. Ever gone to a white rappers convention and yelled out, hey, is that Will Smith, just to see what happens? I went home after my adventure in the car only to find my family sitting down to watch Judge Judy, when my girlfriend came in and started asking me questions about my health and why she has tiny crabs running around her pubic hair. After calling Bette Midlers advice line for STDs we went out and had crab salad for dinner to celebrate our new family. Paddy cuddles cows.

Angry People made me like I am

2006-08-14T08:47:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure if you know this but sometimes I like to go up to people and tell them things about themselves they might not know. Like the other day when I went up to Paris Hilton and told her that everything about her speaks of interlectual integrity. She believed me and has now poceeded to upgrade herself to D grade celebrity. (John Howard, Drew Carey and Whoopi Goldberg) I'm proud of Paris, and so the other day I went out and started to make a night vision sex video of me flashing myself to people with heart conditions. Just llike the angry porchman down the road. Paddy has amazing pecks.

To the tune of "love is all around"

2006-08-09T16:56:00.000+10:00

I feel it on my fingers
I feel it on my toes
I just come all around me
and some went up my nose

I know my arm hurts and it will for a while
All I know is I ended up with a smile
I'm stuck to my mattress but i don't care
My dog likes the taste and will lick me bare

I wrote with it on the window
It said I need a girl
I need to see some boobies
Why won't you give me a whirl

My friend Iancharismatic

2006-08-03T09:46:00.000+10:00

Ever had a friend who always wants to cockslap you until you have to remind them again and again that you don't have a cock. I wish i did again. There's nothing like having star wars re-enactments with nothing but two penisis and glow in the dark condoms. Last year I was darth maul and my sister was Jar Jar Binks. As we fought each other and slapped penisis to avoid talking about how we both screw our lives up and how mum didn't know that my sister was born looking very much like a man, sounding like a man and born with a penis, the federation caved in and i finished off before i was supposed to. Welcome to the dark side luke.

Hitman for the gay Mafia

2006-08-03T09:32:00.000+10:00

Ever been jumped in the toilet by the gay mafia after pretending to be gay to get into a club to meet strait women. I think all men have. Like the other day when i was pretending to get into a club to meet Ellen degenerous. She is hot and i think she knows what men want. After this four men with high pitched voices and spray guns with semen loaded to the hilt ran at me from all sides. Scared I might get pregnant i ran home to watch Desperate housewives. A show I knew would keep me in stead with heterosexuality. After several interlecctual orgasms one could only get from watching four women make important descisions such as why do boys have a penis and girls have a vagina i went and told my sister to stop taking pictures of me on the toilet and yes she could publish them on the net.

Don't confuse me with my mum, I'll be the one with the longer penis

2006-07-18T12:39:00.000+10:00

O.k i realize that sometimes I go a bit overboard. Like yesterday when I went out and brought my very own coppy of gettin jiggy with it. Yes i regret this desicion and yes I understand the the president of Iran is a better rapper than will smith. I came home only to find that my sister was smooching on the couch with her boyfriend. After filming them for a while I went upstairs and tried to work out the meaning of life. After succeeding at this i went downstairs to tell my sister who by this time had brought in an array of farm animals for her and her boyfriend to play with. Ever had to clean animal poo off your carpet because in the middle of wild passionate sex your family member refused to realise that the smell drifting to thier nostrils was not the smell of passion but rather that of sheep fecies? I know I have, So has Nicky Hilton.

Holy Man

2006-07-07T15:10:00.000+10:00

It's not my fault the other day I tried to peirce my liver so that I could be alternative. I mean let's face it, if you have holes in your face people respect you far more than if you think Whoopi Goldberg would look hot in latex. I always try to be cool, wether it be the only white guy in a Chris Rock concert pretending to laugh or the guy who everyone knows once tried to crack onto Princess Diana, whilst she was in a limo, with her boyfriend, covered in blood. Oh, the single life. i do like women I really do, but the thing is, is that none of them ever see me. I like wearing camoflauge.

I'm too scared to close my eye's, Too scared to watch oprah

2006-07-03T13:40:00.001+10:00

Went to a party the other night and decided that this weeks personal image would be goth. Probobly because I was going out to a fancy dress party where the theme was goth. Everything was going fine till the power cut out and everyone kept bumping into everyone else because all the goths were now wearing the same coloured clothing as the lighting conditions. Ever had to go home and explain to your grandparents why you are wearing a nappy? I have. They understood perfectly what I was talking about and proceeded to pull down thier pants and show me thier nappies. Me and my elder's are very close. Probobly too close as we all share a bed like the people in charlie and the chocolate factory. The other night I tried to iron my grandma. kinky

Play with them please... no, not them.... yes them...

2006-06-05T14:15:00.000+10:00

Politicians bother me. Especially when you are seduced by one to the point where everything looks like a boob. Ever gotten home and played with your pets as though they were gigantic active nipples. It's even worse if you get arreseted and your mind is in that state. Oh well, back to the bathroom I go.

Drugs arn't working, better get the hamster

2006-06-05T14:01:00.000+10:00

My girlfriend likes to say silly things like, Excuse me, can you please remove yourself from my boyfriend and my vagina does not like to see the mall. What a joke. Can't she see that I am the perfect gentlemen. I just like to share myself with the world and the many human and sort of human females. So the other day I decided to write a book "Ways to show a woman that you care about her enough to do all the stuff that blokes don't do in chick flicks" Based on the similar title by William Shatner.

The Terrorist ate my baby

2006-05-29T15:20:00.000+10:00

I envy suicide bombers. They live a life of sitting and doing nothing and then when it all gets too much all they have to do to end it all is say Al Achoo and they get given bombs. The other day I tried to end it all with a jar of peanut butter and Billy Ray Cyrus. I then invited the local BootScoot group around to my house and with a combined weight of 2788 kilo's of country lard standing on top of me I pressed play then smothered my face in peanut butter. The Boot scooters started with me underneath them and just as billy ray mentioned that you could tell his brain i realized that I had forgotton to live my life as a resourceful member of society (apart from the regular boot scooting classes that is) It didn't work of course. So afterwards we went out for icecream and decided on group sex as next weeks suicide attempt.

Whip me then feed me, that's all I ask...

2006-05-29T14:10:00.000+10:00

Don't ever tell me that it is not possible to fit a 300 kilogram ex-girlfriend into a blender. I know it's not, I tried it, but my point is that Whale blubber is still quite wonderful to eat. Screw the greenies and thier attempts to downtrod Japan's favorite hobby. Taking away whaling from the japanese is like taking away Texas' right to execute retarded kids. (Come here billy sit on Santa's lap... ZING) After trying to blend my ex-girlfriend she hit me several times with a limp fish. Yes I know... Ironic, but that dosn't change the fact that my bladder is tasty.

O.k on the count of Three, cut it off...

2006-05-25T10:29:00.000+10:00

As I sat across from Sally in the car I told her it was over. "Baa" she said oviously horny. Danm Buggery. If the swedish hadn't made it such a fasionalble hobby then my life would be so much easier. As I walked with Sally down to the hardware store I told her exaclty what I wanted her to do. "Go into the store with me, put my penis in a vice, hand me the hacksaw then set the store on fire. It's the only way." I love my pets.

No ma, I will not let you touch that

2006-05-24T13:06:00.000+10:00

Don't you hate it when you are taken into custody, raped, feel shame and then realize the shame that you are feeling is actually there because you realize you enjoyed it. Yeah, I know, OJ feels the same way. That's why I was suprised when I realised crabs were back. I think of them as my tiny little parisitic pets who will one day be old enough to leave my pubic hair and perform in a Parisitic STD Crabs Flying circus. O.k so they don't quite know how to perform in the trapeze yet but oprah managed to train hers. Feeling dioriented I went for a walk down to my local pub and ran into my girlfriend who for some reason was rubbing her crotch against broken glass. After she had finished she told me that somehow she had gotten crabs. You Bitch I said bashing my fist aginst my postcard from prison. Mad dog was mine and you took him away from me. Someday i hope to race Marlon Brando to a Bar.

In the event of an emergency please tell my mum that her cat tastes like chicken

2006-05-23T12:02:00.000+10:00

O.k so I'm not the greatest when it comes to girls. It's the boobs. They look like great pillows but when you try to rest your head on one the girl it belongs to breaks your nose and calls the police. Damn you Osama. So I went down to the store and told my buddies about my problem. They told me that I should go home, tie my feet to my bed and spank myself with a fish called lucy. Dickheads. What do they think i am, an out of control mechanical chicken bent on the destruction of Oprah and that damn book club. SHUT UP. I DON'T CARE IF THAT'S AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE MEANING OF LIFE. Oh well, back to politics for me.

My donkey smells llike cat food

2006-05-22T14:45:00.000+10:00

I hate animals that smoke. Yes they are inventive and inovative and sometimes i like to lay with them and cuddle before a night of passionate buggery but that does not give them the right to ask me for a smoke. Stupid barbera striesand and her people who love people, what about the rest of us who prfer lassie to blondes go better in Baghdad. Anyway go here (www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm) to see why i feel so strongly on this subject.

It's not spelt W-H-A-L-E, its spelt Y-O-U-R-A-D-I-C-K-H-E-A-D

2006-05-11T15:03:00.000+10:00

My teacher asked me the other day what the word Phallus means. I thought it meant to fail like a male hoooker in a lesbian bar but appariently it's another word for Big Mac. I ordered a Phallus the other day and the girl looked at me and said (strangely in my friend Bob's voice) I've got one right here baby. Nice girl. Hey did you here that my friend just got a job at McDonalds. The nicest underpaid transexual i've ever met.

No, mama, I am NOT YOUR PIMP!!

2006-05-11T14:47:00.000+10:00

I hate it when your mum asks you to go find a client. Just because she gets paid to have sex dosn't mean she has to rub it in that i'm still a virgin. i pondered this until i arrived at sesame street. After killing Elmo (It's strange, You'd think that little bastard would have more blood) I figured i should go for a swim. Don't you hate it when you regurgitate food for your siblings and they don't eat it. I mean I'm just trying to help. Ethiopian kids all around the world would kill for that vomit. Damn YOU RUSSIANS. DAMN. I swear the other day I saw Anna Kornikova reading... Spot goes to market. Great book.

You Sick Puppy!!

2006-05-11T14:18:00.000+10:00

As the title would suggest, yes. I have a sick puppy. His name is Suzy and he has crabs... i don't know... Blame my brothers. Anyway, I decided that for the time being I should probobly stay away from Suzie as I might decide I have a taste for seafood. Heve you ever noticed how a holiday on a nudist beach just isn't a holiday on a nudist beach until someone flops thier penis out? That was until I realized I wasn't at a nudist beach I was at a retirement party for the Australian Feminist Movements' President, Mary Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig. I always thought Miss Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig was a really nice lady until Miss Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig started yelling at my penis. Someday i hope to marry that girl.

Laugh, but only till your spleen falls out.

2006-04-06T15:08:00.000+10:00

Touring the net is like spitting in your food then feeding it to a loved one. It only happens on Tuesday's. I decided to search for different ideas as to ways that I could get revenge on my loved ones for toilet training me at such a your age. 15. Why? Why do they put me through this? Maybe I should move to Iraq and start my very own fundamentalist Muslim group. I'll call it Al-Pottitrained Kazim.

Dan

2006-04-06T14:56:00.000+10:00

(verse 1)

My little brother's name is Dan

He was born with over size sweat gland

My mother saw him and cried

The said "Doctor please,

Put him back inside"

(Chorus)

He sleep walks nude every night

gives my friends a big fright,

when he wears a tent, it's to tight,

He's so ugly he makes blind kids cry.

Poor little Dan

He's got ten fingers on one hand

an overactive sweat gland,

the government moved halloween to his birthday

(Verse 2)

By the time he was in grade two

the other kids said he smelt like baby poo

fungus grows on his butt

and every time he jumps,

he always seems to get stuck

(chorus)

(Verse 3)

My little brothers name is dan

Now he's an old and a bitter man

he changed his name

then he had a sex change

so now people call him Babara Streisand

(Chorus followed by hooting, holloring and the slaying of the Bert Newton)

Yo! Yo! Wickety WHACK!

2006-03-09T15:29:00.000+11:00

I'm a rapper from way back, so it was no surprise to me when I was arrested yesterday solely on the fact that I was wearing a large toilet seat on a chain around my neck. Bling is in. That was until the police took me back to the barracks where the local "class" clown put the seat on my head then took a dump. Have you ever gone home only to realize that you have to explain to your significant other why you have human poo in your hair. Then wondered why they wouldn't put out? I have, which is why I am forming a protest against all women who confuse me with lines like "hey stop that?" and "dammit don't touch me there I'm your sister"

Sausage rhymes with "Shut up bitch"

2006-02-28T18:37:00.000+11:00

The other day I went to the butcher who in turn chopped off my foot. Oh life. How am I ever going to be able to run to the women of my dreams who stands above me, hair flowing, bracelet showing, mooing. MOOING. Cow tipping is fun. That's how I met her. Standing alone in the paddock. Swallowing her food for the 4th time. Oh how I love her. Then she dumped me. Hey are you single?

Laugh till the world Sees your Anus Leaks

2006-02-22T13:10:00.000+11:00

"Don't worry" I said to my mum the day she gave the medicine. "All will be well." Life is good when your mother thinks you are not going swimming whilst experiencing the wonder of anal leakage. I was going to the pool to pick up. I like the pool. it is a safe enviroment for getting to know girls and seeing more skin than in National Geographic. "A man in my position need not consider any effecst of swimming with girls" I said as I jumped into the pool followed a trail of brown matter that could only be described as "chunky". Girls think I'm great.

I can't Remember

2006-02-13T12:05:00.000+11:00

Have you ever wondered how a phsycic knows your name? I havn't. But Gary the guy down the road who often mistakes me for Britney Spears has. He sure is a funny dog. The other day I said "Yo man wit da wickety whcl in da Yak Attack What UP Dawg." I tell ya one minute your trying to be nice and the next your nuts are caught between your neighbors dogs upper and lower jaw.

I have nice breasts

2005-12-05T13:52:00.000+11:00

I was walking past a really hot guy the other day when i said something that i think they may have heard. Oh no, what is to become of me. As they walked past i said, "so then my dog licks it off my balls." Oh the humiliation. What is to become of me. I'm going to pretend i'm a nun.

I don't know if I will ever get my elephant

2005-11-21T10:34:00.000+11:00

I walked out of the plastic surgeon dissapointed. When i said i wanted to be a dickhead i was joking. I didn't mean i wanted him to move my dick from my dick to my head. Now when i go to a girl to lay my head on her shoulder to cry and get her to really listen. I'm not sure if she actually will listen, or if her eyes will constantly be looking at my, well what used to be my forehead and now is just a place where my forehead used to be and now a penis is. Hey, funny llama.

What in the world is a yodel anyway?

2005-11-21T09:59:00.000+11:00

I read my horoscope this morning and it told me that i would meet a beautiful woman who would have sex with me no strings attached. I met her, we laughed and then we had sex, with no strings attached. Which is strange as she is a puppeteer for a living. She saw the disease on my penis. I sang it's not easy being green. I like fire engines.

You killed her you bitch

2005-11-18T10:46:00.000+11:00

My chicken is evil. It killed my rooster then pecked me. How, i thought to myself, could i use this chicken to my advantage. I thought the best course of action would be to take the chiken over to bette midlers house to try and scare her into never singing again. I had the plan all worked out. i would climb over her fence and leave some meat for her dog, then i would go over and use my mallet to knock out her daughter. After that I would go down to the toilet and plant my chicken in her toilet so my chicke could give an almighty bite on her almighty ass and she would never sing again. Then my car broke down.

Mum always said... don't play with your balls in the house!!

2005-11-18T10:35:00.000+11:00

I am not a special person. Well I am really cause I invented the word GooPodle. A GooPodle is a ladie who wants to kiss you but will only do it if you have two puppies and a platypus. I recently went to the movies and saw a movie called Chicks Digging. It was the latest Spielberg film and I was really looking forward to seeing it. When I saw it however it was 6 hours of 2 girls digging. I think he's creativity is better than ever. I threw up an apple the other day. That was fun. My girlfriend didn't appreciate it as much as I did however. We were kissing at the time.

Don't Laugh At me... Stupid Parrot

2005-11-18T10:20:00.000+11:00

For me the zoo is an animal activists dream. When you go there you feel like shouting and sceaming and throwing blood on children. Then you don't because secretly you just don't give a shit. The last time I went to the zoo I found you I had Nits. I guess thats what you get for letting an Ape play with your nipples. Then The ape ripped off my nipples, Now I look like Pamela Anderson gone wrong. Blond hair. Blue Eyes. Two peice swim suit. Posing for the hot bods down the street. Life is good for me. Wanna hook up. I have extremely large testicles.

Leprosy

2005-11-17T14:16:00.000+11:00

Ever had one of those moments when all of a sudden you realise you've got leprosy. I realised when I was driving and all of a sudden could'nt take my foot off the pedal, I couldn't put my leg on my foot either. After I crashed into a bus I realised it was full of beautiful women who thought I was a beautiful man. They promised to take me away on holidays and to rub tanning lotion on me and for me to look after thier cats whilst they had wild passionate lesbian sex with each other, I was thrilled. Then they noticed my foot was missing. It's them running away screaming that is the reason as to why I have such a low self esteem. Wanna hook up?

"You don't really love me do you, you Jerry Springer Whore"

2005-11-17T13:59:00.000+11:00

Today I wrote a song

As I open up my door
you see my face and spit in it
then you slam the door on my fingers breaking 4
You pulled the wires on my car
hit my head with a steel bar
you keep putting a price on my head more and more.

You filled my house, with poisenous gas
even tried to stab my cat
something tells me you don't love me anymore.

I wonder if Snoop Dogg would be interested?

Paper cut

2005-11-17T13:49:00.000+11:00

Lovely kittens. Why am I here, why don't I do it, I have to i need to I must. Idid. Iwent to http://notfunnykane.blogspot.com and laughed. why did I do that, why are those jokes so bad. Maybe it's the monkey. I went down to the supermarket and bought myself some fruit as a reward for taking off my father's sister's underwear and decided that i had to visit my mother to find out what was happening with my appointment with the vet, damn I wish i was a ferret, but I'm not, and beause of that I will never reap the rewards of being the teachers pet. She likes ferrets. Once we saw her ferret crawl up a hole and come out of her mouth. Gosh i want to be a ferret. I love sex ed

Whip me

2005-11-17T13:42:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I feel like a Lion in a circus. i get whipped all day and then go to bed and wait for the lion tamer to come and have his wicked way with me. Rooted was certainly how I felt at this moment. I had left my girlfriend and now was sleeping at my dad's, I wonder if he has noticed I'm wearing his bra and panties. i need a girlfriend, not one of those male ones either, or that other one I had with four legs. I miss Lassie.

"In a MOMENT.... BITCH!"

2005-11-17T13:33:00.000+11:00

Look at that, A dog. My day had started off badly and now was getting worse. My girl was asking for sex. I didn't have any trouble with this whatsoever except for the fact that I wasn't sure if my girl was a girl. Maybe it was the fact she had a penis. I left the house and went down to Moes to see if I could lend some money off Homer, only to realise someone had changed the channel and now I was in 7th Heaven. Kill me God.

Should I wear Pants Today

2005-11-17T13:18:00.002+11:00

I killed my cat today, then wondered if it would be a good idea to wear pants' oh desicions, desicions, did i spell that right or should i stop letting my penis do the typing. Oh the shame of it all, oh by the way, i think your mum is sexy.