Turn the light off ma...

Occasionally I wonder why child stars don't turn out to be normal everyday people operating satisfactorily in society, and then i realize that Michael Jackson still exists and that Harry Potter has a bad taste in naming his kids. Unaware that i was being followed I walked down the road to get some milk when I was attacked by a crazy talent scout looking for the next big thing in the "cute kids now but slutty whores in five years" range of tv stars. He grabbed me by the hair with a crazy look in his eyes screaming at me. "CRY....CRY YOU LITTLE BITCH..... CRY AS THOUGH YOUR BEST FRIEND IS AN ALIEN THAT CAN FINALLY GO HOME, MAKE ME RICH".
I cried. So did he. Then i lovingly stroked his hair. We started to kiss but then i realized I was heterosexual and this guy probably didn't have the appropriate pee pee that could satisfy me. Goodnight sweet John.

ENRAGED

Nothing has enraged me. I have been Zen. The very essence of me has been peace and Utopia. Until today, and a couple of weeks ago but read this bit first because i have to warn each and everyone one of you before it's too late.
I was cleaning my friends list out of Facebook today, because I hate everyone, when I spotted someone I did not know. I looked and on the profile I saw a good looking girl who obviously has no qualms about showing boobage to everyone on facebook. I immediately called over my buddies. "Wow!" I cried, obviously punk, "Where did she buy those!". I then realised, this girl with no morals, trying to seduce every man and his dog (got a bone?), was my cousin.
People. CHECK THAT THE PEOPLE YOU ARE CHECKING OUT ON FACEBOOK ARE NOT RELATIONS YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SINCE THEY WERE FIVE.

Now, Harry Potter. What an idiot. "My parents were killed by the most fearsome and powerful wizard on earth... Please take me and mold so that i may become a wizard too..." DICKHEAD. Then, his name gets called out of the fire, why not say, "I don't want to" or "Can't you get Frodo to do it?"

Idiot

You idiot

It occurred to me recently that every now and again my mind begins to wonder and I lose track of what I'm saying. It occurred to me recently that every now and again my mind begins to wonder and I lose track of what I'm saying. The other day someone came up to me and told me that every minute a pedestrian gets hit by traffic 3 times. You idiot I thought as I repeatedly tried to shove the turnip up my nose so that I could remain in my happy place. Why not just get off the road ya fool. If you get hit by a car on a busy street you don't do it twice more in the same minute. Then it dawned on me, There must be a way for the backstreet boys to reunite so that I can have my sandwich and Paddy's pecks.... hard.... johns... a little... squishy...

Wearing a sock and just a sock

My laundry hates me. Every time I walk in there I start being harassed by annoying voices saying things like "Honey, while your in there can you take the washing out?" and "Honey, I think I left my nostril hair trimmer in the bathroom, you're closer than me can you get it?" or "Honey, next time we're out in public, you mind not trying to grab grandmas nipple just to see the true effects of wisdom?" People don't get the interest that I have for life. Worried that Life was beginning to take hold of my balls and trying to see how many time it can twist them 360 degrees before I say ow, a fun game that Life had watched me play several times with my girlfriend, she said ow after 4 times, weak, I sat thought then murdered my next door neighbor for playing tennis. Hell hath no fury then a man who suddenly realises the female body is supposed to be different from his own.

To da Beat yo

I love rape. I mean Rap. It's great. It makes us intelligent. So much so, that every youth in the world, especially the ones who are not popular, can now have the access to drugs, sex and weapons to become the popular kid in Kindergarten. What a great way for the nerdy kid, who likes books, taking baths and repeat episodes of The Brady Bunch to walk into school and rhyme, "Yo yo yo, you skinny little ass, gonna tell yall a story bout a kid sitting in mass, he didn't like the priest, he didn't like his style, he didn't like the way that his poo fell in piles" Then belt his teacher over the head with a baseball bat that has nails sticking out of it. I mean, wow, not only has the kid learned what similar syllables sound like, A feat most grown up rappers still can't master (I'm looking in your direction Will Smith ans Shaquille O'Neal) but he has also managed to gain the respect and fear of his peers. Then that kid could wear bling. Huge razor blades from sharpeners, Lead from Pencils. The possibilities are endless, Let there be popularity for the nerdy kid called Paddy. Let him, have all yall bitches. Then, let him make songs that openly disagree with gays and beating up your mum then have people say, Oh it's ok that hes a dickhead who lets his broom handle molest him each night, he had a bad childhood. No he didn't. He was the greatest rapper that the idiots in Mrs Kruger's (A nickname given to her after an unfortunate baseball bat incident) class has ever seen. YALL.

Women Scare me

Ever wondered why people go on rampages shooting it up. Killing the innocent. Yeah, you might think, "Oh, I know, they must have just watched one of Jerry Bruckhiemers films making them tip over the edge to insanity where, no, not even the devil could keep his emotional stability" Yesterday however, I found out why. Angry women. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yes I know, these are the people we should fear on a regular basis, not only on a regular basis, but on a monthly basis. Everyone should hide from people like this. Run. Run as though you are being chased by paparazzi through a tunnel in France. I used to wonder what made people gay. Now I know. They are not born that way. No. They are scared of angry women. So, I hereby make a vow. I will stand for them men in our community who are oppressed by women who are made angry through life. I will stand for justice in a world where the uterus reigns supreme. I will stand.... if the missus lets me.

Group Work? Works for Paris, so why not me?

It may seem to you, reading this, that I am a non worker leeching off the masses so that I don't have to do work, simply sit around wating for sexually explicit situations to arise so that I can whip it out, get it over and done with then say something like "Rightio, now you better put yours away too if you know what I mean..." Then they look at me and "say", oh yes, and quickly put their wallet away as we pay for our subs. But I am a workaholic. I am a team player. I take risks. Last week, I told the boss they were awesome and that the boob job was really working for them. Dave seemed impressed and a little flattered. So therefore, it makes me angry when someone isn't pulling their weight. I tend to start to yell, scream and belch the alphabet. I want to take their arms rip them off, then use this jagged bits of bone to stir my tea. I hate these people and to be honest, the world would be a better place if they stayed in Tasmania. Last night, my cat ate it's own vomit.