The Terrorist ate my baby

I envy suicide bombers. They live a life of sitting and doing nothing and then when it all gets too much all they have to do to end it all is say Al Achoo and they get given bombs. The other day I tried to end it all with a jar of peanut butter and Billy Ray Cyrus. I then invited the local BootScoot group around to my house and with a combined weight of 2788 kilo's of country lard standing on top of me I pressed play then smothered my face in peanut butter. The Boot scooters started with me underneath them and just as billy ray mentioned that you could tell his brain i realized that I had forgotton to live my life as a resourceful member of society (apart from the regular boot scooting classes that is) It didn't work of course. So afterwards we went out for icecream and decided on group sex as next weeks suicide attempt.

Whip me then feed me, that's all I ask...

Don't ever tell me that it is not possible to fit a 300 kilogram ex-girlfriend into a blender. I know it's not, I tried it, but my point is that Whale blubber is still quite wonderful to eat. Screw the greenies and thier attempts to downtrod Japan's favorite hobby. Taking away whaling from the japanese is like taking away Texas' right to execute retarded kids. (Come here billy sit on Santa's lap... ZING) After trying to blend my ex-girlfriend she hit me several times with a limp fish. Yes I know... Ironic, but that dosn't change the fact that my bladder is tasty.

O.k on the count of Three, cut it off...

As I sat across from Sally in the car I told her it was over. "Baa" she said oviously horny. Danm Buggery. If the swedish hadn't made it such a fasionalble hobby then my life would be so much easier. As I walked with Sally down to the hardware store I told her exaclty what I wanted her to do. "Go into the store with me, put my penis in a vice, hand me the hacksaw then set the store on fire. It's the only way." I love my pets.

No ma, I will not let you touch that

Don't you hate it when you are taken into custody, raped, feel shame and then realize the shame that you are feeling is actually there because you realize you enjoyed it. Yeah, I know, OJ feels the same way. That's why I was suprised when I realised crabs were back. I think of them as my tiny little parisitic pets who will one day be old enough to leave my pubic hair and perform in a Parisitic STD Crabs Flying circus. O.k so they don't quite know how to perform in the trapeze yet but oprah managed to train hers. Feeling dioriented I went for a walk down to my local pub and ran into my girlfriend who for some reason was rubbing her crotch against broken glass. After she had finished she told me that somehow she had gotten crabs. You Bitch I said bashing my fist aginst my postcard from prison. Mad dog was mine and you took him away from me. Someday i hope to race Marlon Brando to a Bar.

In the event of an emergency please tell my mum that her cat tastes like chicken

O.k so I'm not the greatest when it comes to girls. It's the boobs. They look like great pillows but when you try to rest your head on one the girl it belongs to breaks your nose and calls the police. Damn you Osama. So I went down to the store and told my buddies about my problem. They told me that I should go home, tie my feet to my bed and spank myself with a fish called lucy. Dickheads. What do they think i am, an out of control mechanical chicken bent on the destruction of Oprah and that damn book club. SHUT UP. I DON'T CARE IF THAT'S AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE MEANING OF LIFE. Oh well, back to politics for me.

My donkey smells llike cat food

I hate animals that smoke. Yes they are inventive and inovative and sometimes i like to lay with them and cuddle before a night of passionate buggery but that does not give them the right to ask me for a smoke. Stupid barbera striesand and her people who love people, what about the rest of us who prfer lassie to blondes go better in Baghdad. Anyway go here (www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm) to see why i feel so strongly on this subject.

It's not spelt W-H-A-L-E, its spelt Y-O-U-R-A-D-I-C-K-H-E-A-D

My teacher asked me the other day what the word Phallus means. I thought it meant to fail like a male hoooker in a lesbian bar but appariently it's another word for Big Mac. I ordered a Phallus the other day and the girl looked at me and said (strangely in my friend Bob's voice) I've got one right here baby. Nice girl. Hey did you here that my friend just got a job at McDonalds. The nicest underpaid transexual i've ever met.

No, mama, I am NOT YOUR PIMP!!

I hate it when your mum asks you to go find a client. Just because she gets paid to have sex dosn't mean she has to rub it in that i'm still a virgin. i pondered this until i arrived at sesame street. After killing Elmo (It's strange, You'd think that little bastard would have more blood) I figured i should go for a swim. Don't you hate it when you regurgitate food for your siblings and they don't eat it. I mean I'm just trying to help. Ethiopian kids all around the world would kill for that vomit. Damn YOU RUSSIANS. DAMN. I swear the other day I saw Anna Kornikova reading... Spot goes to market. Great book.

You Sick Puppy!!

As the title would suggest, yes. I have a sick puppy. His name is Suzy and he has crabs... i don't know... Blame my brothers. Anyway, I decided that for the time being I should probobly stay away from Suzie as I might decide I have a taste for seafood. Heve you ever noticed how a holiday on a nudist beach just isn't a holiday on a nudist beach until someone flops thier penis out? That was until I realized I wasn't at a nudist beach I was at a retirement party for the Australian Feminist Movements' President, Mary Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig. I always thought Miss Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig was a really nice lady until Miss Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig started yelling at my penis. Someday i hope to marry that girl.