GUFG

I've started to hate someone simply because the remind me of my girlfriend. Grumpy Ugly Fat Girl. Yes, I hate her with all my might and do plan to take her down with all my force. Just like last week when I took down this tool who was singing a country song about how he lost a bit of saliva and is now so depressed that he wants to write a country song about it. Damn GUFG. I gathered my thoughts and began to plan ways in which I could take down this girl before she found me out and like all other ugly girls, develop a crush on me. With my dog in tow, behind my car, yelping, I hit the road in search of mushrooms so that we could improve the smell. After this I plan to take some mouldy cheese and shove it down her throat until her breath smelt alright, then, I ripped off both her arms and replaced them with the remains of my dog so she could have some muscular tone then covered both her legs in my own dung to give her a tan. Damn me. Instead of destroying her I made her into someone worshiped by millions. Oprah.GUFG can also be found on the road between Lithgow and Bathurst between the hours of 7:50am and 8:10 am. Bark at her as you pass.

Farm animals, please don't ruin my wedding day

It occured to me the other day my girlfriend has four legs and only ever says moo for a reason, shes a sheep. I fear this may ruin my expectations of her on the wedding day as she quite possibly won't be able to drive whilst i feel up her udder. Depressed I went to my phsycologist where I decided to share with him extracts from my diary.

24/9/06:
Daisy refused to cuddle me this morning. I fear this could be because the other night I paid to eat her sister at a fancy restarant. The voices came back.

25/9/06
Why do I always flop it out when ordering at mackas.

26/9/06
I fear for Daisy when paddy is around. Moo, moo, moo and bonk bonk bonk. Is there anything better than this life out there. Probobly but for now I'll continue to remind myself that as long as I'm suffering, my shrink is quite possibly gay.

Laughing Like a Man who Just got Asked out in a Lesbian Bar.

Every man has wishes. One of mine is to go to china and ask people if they like noodles. Another is to get Cow Paddy bingo into the olympics. I've realized that I may be a little unfit and should probobly start to work out. So last weekend I joined a terorrist group where I am currently in training to smite a bunch of Infedels. It's not that I don't like country music, it's just the sooner we get rid of the dixie chicks the sooner eminem loses his inspiration and can go back to the trailor park.

Man boobs in a jar

I am the proud owner of man boobs. No, I don't get as much joy out of them as real boobs but hey, it's worth a try every night. Last week I entered a local male stripper contest. Everything was going great until a guy in the front row announced that i wasn't a guy I was actually a hairy chick. Ellen Degenerous eat your heart out. Depressed I went home and decided that I needed to hang out with my girlfreind but she was back in one of those "I have tits hear me roar" moods. Damn Feminists. I they have so much to say they could at least say it a little more quietly whilst I decide what sandwhich to have.

I bark, Therefore I am

If you've never barked out of a car window at people on bicycles then you are missing something extraordinary. Like last week when I barked out the window at an old man and he thought it was my sister. Ever gone to a white rappers convention and yelled out, hey, is that Will Smith, just to see what happens? I went home after my adventure in the car only to find my family sitting down to watch Judge Judy, when my girlfriend came in and started asking me questions about my health and why she has tiny crabs running around her pubic hair. After calling Bette Midlers advice line for STDs we went out and had crab salad for dinner to celebrate our new family. Paddy cuddles cows.

Angry People made me like I am

I'm not sure if you know this but sometimes I like to go up to people and tell them things about themselves they might not know. Like the other day when I went up to Paris Hilton and told her that everything about her speaks of interlectual integrity. She believed me and has now poceeded to upgrade herself to D grade celebrity. (John Howard, Drew Carey and Whoopi Goldberg) I'm proud of Paris, and so the other day I went out and started to make a night vision sex video of me flashing myself to people with heart conditions. Just llike the angry porchman down the road. Paddy has amazing pecks.

To the tune of "love is all around"

I feel it on my fingers
I feel it on my toes
I just come all around me
and some went up my nose

I know my arm hurts and it will for a while
All I know is I ended up with a smile
I'm stuck to my mattress but i don't care
My dog likes the taste and will lick me bare

I wrote with it on the window
It said I need a girl
I need to see some boobies
Why won't you give me a whirl

My friend Iancharismatic

Ever had a friend who always wants to cockslap you until you have to remind them again and again that you don't have a cock. I wish i did again. There's nothing like having star wars re-enactments with nothing but two penisis and glow in the dark condoms. Last year I was darth maul and my sister was Jar Jar Binks. As we fought each other and slapped penisis to avoid talking about how we both screw our lives up and how mum didn't know that my sister was born looking very much like a man, sounding like a man and born with a penis, the federation caved in and i finished off before i was supposed to. Welcome to the dark side luke.

Hitman for the gay Mafia

Ever been jumped in the toilet by the gay mafia after pretending to be gay to get into a club to meet strait women. I think all men have. Like the other day when i was pretending to get into a club to meet Ellen degenerous. She is hot and i think she knows what men want. After this four men with high pitched voices and spray guns with semen loaded to the hilt ran at me from all sides. Scared I might get pregnant i ran home to watch Desperate housewives. A show I knew would keep me in stead with heterosexuality. After several interlecctual orgasms one could only get from watching four women make important descisions such as why do boys have a penis and girls have a vagina i went and told my sister to stop taking pictures of me on the toilet and yes she could publish them on the net.