From venerable master bog brown

there was a poo in the bathtub when i went to have a bath,
and it stuck onto my leg when i sat near it,
so i scooped it up in my hand,
and flushed it down the loo,
now never ever again,
will i bathe with poo.

from the teachings of venerable master bog brown

You don't play strip poker at a nudist colony?

Amalia should look out below for what she had mentioned because the show was about to start. Paddy had just finished his drink when he saw a super delux version of furby on its way to be passed out/kill at the maternity ward when all of a sudden horror struck him. He shouldn't set his mum up with the nice man down the street who wears a dress and says things like "hey, wanna date?". Confused, Paddy came over to my house where we discussed the meaning of what it is when someone says wat up. Paddy tried to cuddle me and milk my nipples. I let him. Paddy has great pecks.

Smokey The Smoking Clown Doctor

I'm obsessed with changing my image everytime my sister says something "like, hey, give me a donut". This week, I'm smokey the clown trying to educate the masses that corperate greed is a good thing and smoking is healthy as long as you can enthuse six six year olds to smoke as well so that you don't look bad to the neighbors but hey, that crack addicted heroin junky of a mum who lives across the road just taught her six six year olds to smoke. Last week I went to the hospital and tried to get kids in the intensive care unit to take up smoking. I smoked through my nose and held a ciggerettes between each of my toes and said "hey it's just like putting a cheezel on each finger." All of a sudden all these alarms starting going off and doctors started rushing in and pounding on the chest of a four year old. As I offered them a smoke break, I suffered a lung collapse. Good thing I was in a hospital.

Bus Driver Rage

There is something about bus drivers that make me want to scream and yell everytime I see them. No, this isn't one of those "I've seen speed and sandra bullock driving a bus makes me cringe because the smell would have been horrible." I shout at bus drivers because everytime i get on a bus I think I'm gonna have a Keanu Reaves moment where I will fall in love with the bus driver and try to grope man boobs whist delirious from the thrill that is, being on a bus. This thought scares me and it should scare you to. Whats worse is that someday they may make a quality movie about me groping a bus driver with man boobs that will make millions at the box office and then decide after all that success that the bus driver was way more charismatic than me, the star in the first movie. The Producers of the first movie will then make a sequal that I won't be in, but will inlude the bus driver in a wet shirt trying to stop a ship from running into the opera house. The movie will suck, but it won't star me. Are you a bus driver. "THEN GO TO HELL. i love you"

Intense Nasal Delivery System

I've been having problems in the bedroom. Depressed and scared about what I should do in this situation, I wondered down to my local doctor who insisted I try a new therapy called the intense nasal delivery system. This new system is designed to help me from spilling my seed too early. I thought, wow. I finally might be on the road to success. Confident, I walked into the bedroom where I saw all 456 kilos of my girlfriend sitting on my bed waiting for me to fold back the creases, maybe do a little origami with them to make a swan then see how many times I can twist my ball sack around before it starts to hurt. After putting my ball sack away in my sports cupboard I invited my Intense nasal Delivery system into the room. It works. Actually it works too well. Who would have thought Fran Drescher screaming "Don't come yet" into my ear whilst I frolic with a bohemoth so large that in the missionary position I actually became scared of heights, could actually make you impotent.

But my mum says I have pretty hair.

I like natural grease. I'm not one to brag, but I have a lot of it stored in my hair. It is useful for all kinds of odd jobs around the house. Fixing the porch, sealing the roof, separating the grandparents after they watched american pie 2 and decided that the whole superglue thing could work. The other day I decided that with all this wealth I had stashed in my hair, it was time to give something to the community and show the world that grease monkeys can do other things than think about sex with animals every seven seconds. I went out and began to spread the word. Telling people not to be hygenic, but to think of themselves as rotting toasted cheese sandwhiches, that whilst they look old and mouldy on the outside, grease, slime and other odd smells are often emitted from the inside. Spread the word. What's an uglier mental picture. Ugly old naked man, or ugly old naked woman? Leave a comment.

GUFG

I've started to hate someone simply because the remind me of my girlfriend. Grumpy Ugly Fat Girl. Yes, I hate her with all my might and do plan to take her down with all my force. Just like last week when I took down this tool who was singing a country song about how he lost a bit of saliva and is now so depressed that he wants to write a country song about it. Damn GUFG. I gathered my thoughts and began to plan ways in which I could take down this girl before she found me out and like all other ugly girls, develop a crush on me. With my dog in tow, behind my car, yelping, I hit the road in search of mushrooms so that we could improve the smell. After this I plan to take some mouldy cheese and shove it down her throat until her breath smelt alright, then, I ripped off both her arms and replaced them with the remains of my dog so she could have some muscular tone then covered both her legs in my own dung to give her a tan. Damn me. Instead of destroying her I made her into someone worshiped by millions. Oprah.GUFG can also be found on the road between Lithgow and Bathurst between the hours of 7:50am and 8:10 am. Bark at her as you pass.

Farm animals, please don't ruin my wedding day

It occured to me the other day my girlfriend has four legs and only ever says moo for a reason, shes a sheep. I fear this may ruin my expectations of her on the wedding day as she quite possibly won't be able to drive whilst i feel up her udder. Depressed I went to my phsycologist where I decided to share with him extracts from my diary.

24/9/06:
Daisy refused to cuddle me this morning. I fear this could be because the other night I paid to eat her sister at a fancy restarant. The voices came back.

25/9/06
Why do I always flop it out when ordering at mackas.

26/9/06
I fear for Daisy when paddy is around. Moo, moo, moo and bonk bonk bonk. Is there anything better than this life out there. Probobly but for now I'll continue to remind myself that as long as I'm suffering, my shrink is quite possibly gay.

Laughing Like a Man who Just got Asked out in a Lesbian Bar.

Every man has wishes. One of mine is to go to china and ask people if they like noodles. Another is to get Cow Paddy bingo into the olympics. I've realized that I may be a little unfit and should probobly start to work out. So last weekend I joined a terorrist group where I am currently in training to smite a bunch of Infedels. It's not that I don't like country music, it's just the sooner we get rid of the dixie chicks the sooner eminem loses his inspiration and can go back to the trailor park.

Man boobs in a jar

I am the proud owner of man boobs. No, I don't get as much joy out of them as real boobs but hey, it's worth a try every night. Last week I entered a local male stripper contest. Everything was going great until a guy in the front row announced that i wasn't a guy I was actually a hairy chick. Ellen Degenerous eat your heart out. Depressed I went home and decided that I needed to hang out with my girlfreind but she was back in one of those "I have tits hear me roar" moods. Damn Feminists. I they have so much to say they could at least say it a little more quietly whilst I decide what sandwhich to have.

I bark, Therefore I am

If you've never barked out of a car window at people on bicycles then you are missing something extraordinary. Like last week when I barked out the window at an old man and he thought it was my sister. Ever gone to a white rappers convention and yelled out, hey, is that Will Smith, just to see what happens? I went home after my adventure in the car only to find my family sitting down to watch Judge Judy, when my girlfriend came in and started asking me questions about my health and why she has tiny crabs running around her pubic hair. After calling Bette Midlers advice line for STDs we went out and had crab salad for dinner to celebrate our new family. Paddy cuddles cows.

Angry People made me like I am

I'm not sure if you know this but sometimes I like to go up to people and tell them things about themselves they might not know. Like the other day when I went up to Paris Hilton and told her that everything about her speaks of interlectual integrity. She believed me and has now poceeded to upgrade herself to D grade celebrity. (John Howard, Drew Carey and Whoopi Goldberg) I'm proud of Paris, and so the other day I went out and started to make a night vision sex video of me flashing myself to people with heart conditions. Just llike the angry porchman down the road. Paddy has amazing pecks.

To the tune of "love is all around"

I feel it on my fingers
I feel it on my toes
I just come all around me
and some went up my nose

I know my arm hurts and it will for a while
All I know is I ended up with a smile
I'm stuck to my mattress but i don't care
My dog likes the taste and will lick me bare

I wrote with it on the window
It said I need a girl
I need to see some boobies
Why won't you give me a whirl

My friend Iancharismatic

Ever had a friend who always wants to cockslap you until you have to remind them again and again that you don't have a cock. I wish i did again. There's nothing like having star wars re-enactments with nothing but two penisis and glow in the dark condoms. Last year I was darth maul and my sister was Jar Jar Binks. As we fought each other and slapped penisis to avoid talking about how we both screw our lives up and how mum didn't know that my sister was born looking very much like a man, sounding like a man and born with a penis, the federation caved in and i finished off before i was supposed to. Welcome to the dark side luke.

Hitman for the gay Mafia

Ever been jumped in the toilet by the gay mafia after pretending to be gay to get into a club to meet strait women. I think all men have. Like the other day when i was pretending to get into a club to meet Ellen degenerous. She is hot and i think she knows what men want. After this four men with high pitched voices and spray guns with semen loaded to the hilt ran at me from all sides. Scared I might get pregnant i ran home to watch Desperate housewives. A show I knew would keep me in stead with heterosexuality. After several interlecctual orgasms one could only get from watching four women make important descisions such as why do boys have a penis and girls have a vagina i went and told my sister to stop taking pictures of me on the toilet and yes she could publish them on the net.

Don't confuse me with my mum, I'll be the one with the longer penis

O.k i realize that sometimes I go a bit overboard. Like yesterday when I went out and brought my very own coppy of gettin jiggy with it. Yes i regret this desicion and yes I understand the the president of Iran is a better rapper than will smith. I came home only to find that my sister was smooching on the couch with her boyfriend. After filming them for a while I went upstairs and tried to work out the meaning of life. After succeeding at this i went downstairs to tell my sister who by this time had brought in an array of farm animals for her and her boyfriend to play with. Ever had to clean animal poo off your carpet because in the middle of wild passionate sex your family member refused to realise that the smell drifting to thier nostrils was not the smell of passion but rather that of sheep fecies? I know I have, So has Nicky Hilton.

Holy Man

It's not my fault the other day I tried to peirce my liver so that I could be alternative. I mean let's face it, if you have holes in your face people respect you far more than if you think Whoopi Goldberg would look hot in latex. I always try to be cool, wether it be the only white guy in a Chris Rock concert pretending to laugh or the guy who everyone knows once tried to crack onto Princess Diana, whilst she was in a limo, with her boyfriend, covered in blood. Oh, the single life. i do like women I really do, but the thing is, is that none of them ever see me. I like wearing camoflauge.

I'm too scared to close my eye's, Too scared to watch oprah

Went to a party the other night and decided that this weeks personal image would be goth. Probobly because I was going out to a fancy dress party where the theme was goth. Everything was going fine till the power cut out and everyone kept bumping into everyone else because all the goths were now wearing the same coloured clothing as the lighting conditions. Ever had to go home and explain to your grandparents why you are wearing a nappy? I have. They understood perfectly what I was talking about and proceeded to pull down thier pants and show me thier nappies. Me and my elder's are very close. Probobly too close as we all share a bed like the people in charlie and the chocolate factory. The other night I tried to iron my grandma. kinky

Play with them please... no, not them.... yes them...

Politicians bother me. Especially when you are seduced by one to the point where everything looks like a boob. Ever gotten home and played with your pets as though they were gigantic active nipples. It's even worse if you get arreseted and your mind is in that state. Oh well, back to the bathroom I go.

Drugs arn't working, better get the hamster

My girlfriend likes to say silly things like, Excuse me, can you please remove yourself from my boyfriend and my vagina does not like to see the mall. What a joke. Can't she see that I am the perfect gentlemen. I just like to share myself with the world and the many human and sort of human females. So the other day I decided to write a book "Ways to show a woman that you care about her enough to do all the stuff that blokes don't do in chick flicks" Based on the similar title by William Shatner.

The Terrorist ate my baby

I envy suicide bombers. They live a life of sitting and doing nothing and then when it all gets too much all they have to do to end it all is say Al Achoo and they get given bombs. The other day I tried to end it all with a jar of peanut butter and Billy Ray Cyrus. I then invited the local BootScoot group around to my house and with a combined weight of 2788 kilo's of country lard standing on top of me I pressed play then smothered my face in peanut butter. The Boot scooters started with me underneath them and just as billy ray mentioned that you could tell his brain i realized that I had forgotton to live my life as a resourceful member of society (apart from the regular boot scooting classes that is) It didn't work of course. So afterwards we went out for icecream and decided on group sex as next weeks suicide attempt.

Whip me then feed me, that's all I ask...

Don't ever tell me that it is not possible to fit a 300 kilogram ex-girlfriend into a blender. I know it's not, I tried it, but my point is that Whale blubber is still quite wonderful to eat. Screw the greenies and thier attempts to downtrod Japan's favorite hobby. Taking away whaling from the japanese is like taking away Texas' right to execute retarded kids. (Come here billy sit on Santa's lap... ZING) After trying to blend my ex-girlfriend she hit me several times with a limp fish. Yes I know... Ironic, but that dosn't change the fact that my bladder is tasty.

O.k on the count of Three, cut it off...

As I sat across from Sally in the car I told her it was over. "Baa" she said oviously horny. Danm Buggery. If the swedish hadn't made it such a fasionalble hobby then my life would be so much easier. As I walked with Sally down to the hardware store I told her exaclty what I wanted her to do. "Go into the store with me, put my penis in a vice, hand me the hacksaw then set the store on fire. It's the only way." I love my pets.

No ma, I will not let you touch that

Don't you hate it when you are taken into custody, raped, feel shame and then realize the shame that you are feeling is actually there because you realize you enjoyed it. Yeah, I know, OJ feels the same way. That's why I was suprised when I realised crabs were back. I think of them as my tiny little parisitic pets who will one day be old enough to leave my pubic hair and perform in a Parisitic STD Crabs Flying circus. O.k so they don't quite know how to perform in the trapeze yet but oprah managed to train hers. Feeling dioriented I went for a walk down to my local pub and ran into my girlfriend who for some reason was rubbing her crotch against broken glass. After she had finished she told me that somehow she had gotten crabs. You Bitch I said bashing my fist aginst my postcard from prison. Mad dog was mine and you took him away from me. Someday i hope to race Marlon Brando to a Bar.

In the event of an emergency please tell my mum that her cat tastes like chicken

O.k so I'm not the greatest when it comes to girls. It's the boobs. They look like great pillows but when you try to rest your head on one the girl it belongs to breaks your nose and calls the police. Damn you Osama. So I went down to the store and told my buddies about my problem. They told me that I should go home, tie my feet to my bed and spank myself with a fish called lucy. Dickheads. What do they think i am, an out of control mechanical chicken bent on the destruction of Oprah and that damn book club. SHUT UP. I DON'T CARE IF THAT'S AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE MEANING OF LIFE. Oh well, back to politics for me.

My donkey smells llike cat food

I hate animals that smoke. Yes they are inventive and inovative and sometimes i like to lay with them and cuddle before a night of passionate buggery but that does not give them the right to ask me for a smoke. Stupid barbera striesand and her people who love people, what about the rest of us who prfer lassie to blondes go better in Baghdad. Anyway go here (www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm) to see why i feel so strongly on this subject.

It's not spelt W-H-A-L-E, its spelt Y-O-U-R-A-D-I-C-K-H-E-A-D

My teacher asked me the other day what the word Phallus means. I thought it meant to fail like a male hoooker in a lesbian bar but appariently it's another word for Big Mac. I ordered a Phallus the other day and the girl looked at me and said (strangely in my friend Bob's voice) I've got one right here baby. Nice girl. Hey did you here that my friend just got a job at McDonalds. The nicest underpaid transexual i've ever met.

No, mama, I am NOT YOUR PIMP!!

I hate it when your mum asks you to go find a client. Just because she gets paid to have sex dosn't mean she has to rub it in that i'm still a virgin. i pondered this until i arrived at sesame street. After killing Elmo (It's strange, You'd think that little bastard would have more blood) I figured i should go for a swim. Don't you hate it when you regurgitate food for your siblings and they don't eat it. I mean I'm just trying to help. Ethiopian kids all around the world would kill for that vomit. Damn YOU RUSSIANS. DAMN. I swear the other day I saw Anna Kornikova reading... Spot goes to market. Great book.

You Sick Puppy!!

As the title would suggest, yes. I have a sick puppy. His name is Suzy and he has crabs... i don't know... Blame my brothers. Anyway, I decided that for the time being I should probobly stay away from Suzie as I might decide I have a taste for seafood. Heve you ever noticed how a holiday on a nudist beach just isn't a holiday on a nudist beach until someone flops thier penis out? That was until I realized I wasn't at a nudist beach I was at a retirement party for the Australian Feminist Movements' President, Mary Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig. I always thought Miss Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig was a really nice lady until Miss Noslonginmyopantssobackofchauvinistpig started yelling at my penis. Someday i hope to marry that girl.

Laugh, but only till your spleen falls out.

Touring the net is like spitting in your food then feeding it to a loved one. It only happens on Tuesday's. I decided to search for different ideas as to ways that I could get revenge on my loved ones for toilet training me at such a your age. 15. Why? Why do they put me through this? Maybe I should move to Iraq and start my very own fundamentalist Muslim group. I'll call it Al-Pottitrained Kazim.

Dan

(verse 1)

My little brother's name is Dan

He was born with over size sweat gland

My mother saw him and cried

The said "Doctor please,

Put him back inside"

(Chorus)

He sleep walks nude every night

gives my friends a big fright,

when he wears a tent, it's to tight,

He's so ugly he makes blind kids cry.

Poor little Dan

He's got ten fingers on one hand

an overactive sweat gland,

the government moved halloween to his birthday

(Verse 2)

By the time he was in grade two

the other kids said he smelt like baby poo

fungus grows on his butt

and every time he jumps,

he always seems to get stuck

(chorus)

(Verse 3)

My little brothers name is dan

Now he's an old and a bitter man

he changed his name

then he had a sex change

so now people call him Babara Streisand

(Chorus followed by hooting, holloring and the slaying of the Bert Newton)

Yo! Yo! Wickety WHACK!

I'm a rapper from way back, so it was no surprise to me when I was arrested yesterday solely on the fact that I was wearing a large toilet seat on a chain around my neck. Bling is in. That was until the police took me back to the barracks where the local "class" clown put the seat on my head then took a dump. Have you ever gone home only to realize that you have to explain to your significant other why you have human poo in your hair. Then wondered why they wouldn't put out? I have, which is why I am forming a protest against all women who confuse me with lines like "hey stop that?" and "dammit don't touch me there I'm your sister"

Sausage rhymes with "Shut up bitch"

The other day I went to the butcher who in turn chopped off my foot. Oh life. How am I ever going to be able to run to the women of my dreams who stands above me, hair flowing, bracelet showing, mooing. MOOING. Cow tipping is fun. That's how I met her. Standing alone in the paddock. Swallowing her food for the 4th time. Oh how I love her. Then she dumped me. Hey are you single?

Laugh till the world Sees your Anus Leaks

"Don't worry" I said to my mum the day she gave the medicine. "All will be well." Life is good when your mother thinks you are not going swimming whilst experiencing the wonder of anal leakage. I was going to the pool to pick up. I like the pool. it is a safe enviroment for getting to know girls and seeing more skin than in National Geographic. "A man in my position need not consider any effecst of swimming with girls" I said as I jumped into the pool followed a trail of brown matter that could only be described as "chunky". Girls think I'm great.

I can't Remember

Have you ever wondered how a phsycic knows your name? I havn't. But Gary the guy down the road who often mistakes me for Britney Spears has. He sure is a funny dog. The other day I said "Yo man wit da wickety whcl in da Yak Attack What UP Dawg." I tell ya one minute your trying to be nice and the next your nuts are caught between your neighbors dogs upper and lower jaw.